Patronus
by Redd Phoenix
Summary: **Complete** Sirius left Azkaban with hardly any happy memories left. Remus helps him reclaim some of them.
1. One

TITLE: Patronus [1/4]  
AUTHOR: Samantha [kali_neba@hotmail.com]  
DISTRIBUTION: Azkaban's Lair. Anyone else, please ask first.  
SPOILERS: All four books. Set the summer after GoF  
RATING/CONTENT: eventual NC-17, PG for now, eventual Sirius/Remus, language, sex (all the good things in life ;)  
SUMMARY: Sirius lies low at Lupin's and heals a little in the process. Sirius's POV  
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Sirius, Remus, and related characters belong to JK Rowling. No infringement intended.  
  
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// "Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them." -- Remus Lupin, _Prisoner of Azkaban_ //  
  
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Most wizards don't realize that magic has a distinctive scent that is exclusive to the user. Dumbledore's power smells faintly of lemons and lukewarm tea. Harry's smells like sweat and an undercurrent of blood. Most wizards just don't have the senses to understand that fact. I've spent enough time as a dog the past decade that it's second nature now, even when I'm not in my animagus form. It's a hell of a lot easier to track someone using their magic scent than their normal one.  
  
Which is what I was doing here. Tracking, searching. Dumbledore hadn't exactly told me where Remus was, and I'd been sure not to ask when I had written to Remus after my escape. I would have been too tempted to stop and visit and stay far longer than I should, getting us both killed or shipped to Azkaban. I'd just found him again, and I'm certain I could deal with losing him. So, I contented myself with letters back and forth.  
  
In the end, that decision not to endanger Remus left me searching the forests of southern Scotland where Dumbledore supposedly owned a cottage at some point. Arabella had been no help at all, merely giving me a sympathetic look and my body weight in food before pushing me out the door claiming that I was upsetting her cats. I suppose I could have just owled Remus and asked, but there's little adventure in that and, besides, I'd only been looking for a week. If I didn't find him by the time the moon rose tonight, I'd break down and find an owl to send.  
  
Luckily, shortly after resolving to owl Remus, the wind shifted, and I'd caught the scent I'd been searching for this past week. Chocolate, wood smoke, and freshly turned earth. Remus. I barked happily, paws skidding in the mud as a changed direction and headed off of the dirt road I'd been traveling and down a small, nearly hidden bike path through the trees. I ran down the path at a full run, tongue lolling out of my mouth, breath coming in a pant.  
  
I caught sight of the front gate covered in ivy and let out another bark, louder this time, to alert the resident of my arrival. Six feet away from the gate, and I felt it. An icy trail down my back, and suddenly, I felt like I was back in that dank cell with those things staring at me. I growled softly, head down, tail curling around my hind legs. I whimpered, my haunches rising as shadows slide between the trees, and three Dementors glided onto the path. They headed towards me, spreading out, blocking the path and any chance of escape. I was panicking. I could feel the despair welling inside of my mind, and any second, it was going to become impossible for me to hold my dog form.  
  
Suddenly a hand clamped down on the scruff of my neck, pulling me backwards, and I let out a yelp as I was forcibly dragged the rest of the distance to the gate. I struggled against the hand until a bit of cloak fell in my eyes and the familiar scent was an immediate comfort. Remus ran a hand over my head, glancing down at me, before stepping over my shivering form towards the Dementors.  
  
"You have no business here," Remus stated, his voice calm, wand pointed at the forms coming closer to the gate. "Leave," he ordered again, but the Dementors kept coming. "Expecto Patronum!" A line of silvery stuff shot out of Remus's wand, towards the Dementors. They stopped their movements as the Patronus advanced towards them, shimmering. They disappeared back into the trees and Remus's Patronus faded. I dropped to my belly in relief, whimpering softly, my form shifting as I returned to my natural form.  
  
"Oh, Padfoot," Remus breathed, kneeling down next to me, lifting my chin with his cool hand. He studied my face, looking for injuries, I suppose.  
  
"I'm fine, Moony," I finally muttered, finding my voice again. "Helpless, but fine." He waved a hand in a dismissive gesture as I pushed myself up to my knees.  
  
"You're not helpless, Sirius," Remus stated, rising to his feet and watching me closely as I followed suit.  
  
"Yes, I am. Around them," I gestured in the direction the Dementors had retreated. "I'm helpless."  
  
"Come inside, Padfoot," Remus sighed, placing a hand on my arm. That tiny touch sent a shock through my system, and I glanced over at Remus, but he didn't notice. "I have some chocolate that will help."  
  
"It's always chocolate with you, Moony," I muttered, summoning a smile, trying to ignore Remus's hand.  
  
"It tends to be a cure for all problems," he replied, returning the smile and leading me into the small cottage. The second I stepped across the threshold, I knew this was Remus's house. Books were piled on every available surface, including the small couch and matching chair. Remus must have noticed my gaze because he laughed softly.  
  
"I was going to clean before you got here," he stated, gesturing at the books. I shook my head, chuckling, the cold of the Dementors beginning to leave.  
  
"No, Moony, it's all right. It's...." I trailed off, not sure why the piles of books were causing such a strong reaction, because I could feel my throat tighten just looking at them. I shot a look at Remus who was studying me with curiosity, his head cocked slightly to the side. It was then that I realized what was behind my reaction. "It feels like home." Remus smiled at that, chuckling, before gesturing to the kitchen.  
  
"Hot chocolate?" he asked, stepping into the smaller room. I nodded, following him. I sat down at the table, placing my chin on top of another pile of books, watching Remus pull out the kettle. He filled the kettle then started the stove fire with his wand. He adjusted the flame, watching the kettle closely for a second before nodding in satisfaction. Remus reached up, pulling one of the cabinets open. He moved various cans out the way before pulling out a small wrapped piece of chocolate. He unwrapped it and handed it to me. "Here," he said, "Until the chocolate's done."   
  
I nodded, taking the chocolate and leaning back in the chair. I broke off a small piece and placed it in my mouth. My eyes fell shut as the tiniest bit of warmth began to spread, chasing away the Dementors' chill. I swallowed the bit of chocolate and opened my eyes to find Remus staring at me. Our eyes met, and my heart was pounding in my ears. The kettle suddenly whistled through the kitchen, causing us both to jump. I looked away first, clearing my throat as Remus rose to check the kettle.  
  
"Have you heard?" I asked, glancing out the window above the sink. Remus stirred the chocolate before glancing over his shoulder.  
  
"I heard," he muttered, pouring the mixture into two mugs and bringing them over to the table. "Cedric was one of my best students. Albus thought I would like to know." I nodded as he took his seat across from me, pushing one of the mugs in my direction. "Do you think it will be war again?" he asked, bringing the cup up to his lips. I nodded, cupping my hands around the mug, trying to absorb some of the warmth.  
  
"Probably. But would we expect anything else?" I replied, laughing bitterly. "He'll come after Harry first, you know."  
  
"I know," Remus sighed. "We won't let anything happen to him, Sirius." I nodded, glancing over at Remus, but he was staring down at his hands.   
  
"I need your help, Remus," I stated softly, and he looked up, meeting my eyes again. "You know that the war is coming. You know that Voldemort will have the Dementors on his side." I took a deep breath, looking down and watching the chocolate swirl in the cup. "I can't protect Harry if I'm cowering in fear from them."  
  
"We don't know that Voldemort will have the Dementors," Remus stated quietly.  
  
"*I* know," I muttered. I sighed again, looking back up at Remus who was studying me with his head cocked again. "I need a Patronus," I said finally.  
  
"Seventh year, Defense Against Dark Arts," he replied automatically, "You know how to conjure one already." Remus blinked, understanding suddenly. "But not since Azkaban," he said under his breath, low enough that I had to struggle to hear him. He smiled sadly at me. "Of course, Padfoot. You know I'll help."  
  
"When do you think we can get started? I-I mean, would tonight be too soon?" I asked, relief flooding through me. Remus held up a hand.  
  
"First, you need sleep," he stated, rising to his feet. I glanced over at the small clock by the door.  
  
"It's only two in the afternoon, Moony," I protested. He responded by shaking his head and crossing his arms over his chest.  
  
"And you look like you've been running for a week straight. Did you even stop to sleep?" he asked, a small grin tugging at his lips. I cocked my head, considering.  
  
"Two days ago," I said finally with a nod. He laughed then, and I couldn't help but join in as he placed his hand on my arm, pulling me to my feet.  
  
"Come along, Padfoot," Remus stated, leading me out of the kitchen. We turned right heading up the stairs.  
  
"Moony?" I asked, trailing behind him, suddenly remembering the Dementors lurking in the woods. He stopped halfway up the stairs and turned. "The Dementors--"  
  
"Can't get past the fence, neither physically nor magically," he said before heading back up the stairs. "It's a new spell Albus and I are working on. If it is successful here, we'll apply it to Hogwarts at the start of term this fall." I nodded, following him up to the small landing above us. We stepped into the narrow hallway leading off from the landing and towards the door at the end of the hall.  
  
"Bath is there," Remus noted, pointing at a door on our left. "Towels, washcloths, and extra blankets are in the closet there," he said pointing at a door across from the bath. "This is the bedroom," he stated, pushing the door open to reveal a spacious bedroom. I laughed as I stepped across the threshold and took in the sight of even more piles of books. My smile died as I noticed the clothes stacked neatly on the dresser, and the parchment piled on the desk.  
  
"This is your bedroom, Moony," I stated, softly, glancing around.  
  
"This is the only bedroom, Padfoot," he corrected, leaning against the doorjamb.  
  
"I'm not taking your bed," I stated, turning fully to him.  
  
"And what do you suggest? That we share?" His eyes widened as if shocked that he'd actually suggested that.   
  
I opened my mouth, fully wanting to reply _Well, would that be so bad?_, but what actually came out was, "I can take the couch." He looked away from me, closing his eyes and exhaling heavily.  
  
"Stop being stubborn, and take the damn bed," he finally muttered, glancing back up at me. I watched him for a second as he studied me in return.  
  
"Fine," I replied. He pushed away from the wall and stepped into the room.  
  
"I'm not sure if my clothes will fit you," he stated softly. "If you want, I can go into town later and find some things that will fit."  
  
"Moony?" He turned to me when I said his name, and I covered the distance between us, wrapping him in a hug. He stiffened slightly. "It's good to see you again, Remus," I whispered as he relaxed, one arm wrapping around my waist, the other around my shoulders. I clutched him tighter, burying my face in the curve of his neck, breathing in his scent, a smell that I remembered from the nights spent roaming the Forbidden Forest.  
  
"I'm glad you're here, Sirius," Remus said, his voice low and hoarse, one hand smoothing my hair. We slid apart then, reluctantly, both of us stepping back. "Get some sleep. I'll wake you when dinner's ready." I stiffened at that, memories flooding to the surface of baby-sitting a six-month old Harry and Remus's attempt to make beef stew, which ended up tasting more like really bad clam chowder.  
  
"You're not cooking, are you?" I asked. He merely rolled his eyes.  
  
"No, that's what the house elves are here for," he replied, smiling slightly. I raised an eyebrow skeptically, not remembering any house elves when I'd been downstairs. "They've been out in the garden all day, finishing the weeding. They came with the cottage, so God only knows what Albus has taught them to cook."  
  
"Well, that's a relief then," I stated, grinning at Remus. He merely shook his head.  
  
"Sleep, Padfoot," he ordered with a smile.  
  
"Yes, sir," I replied as he walked back into the hallway, pulling the door shut behind him. I sat on the bed, toeing my shoes off before leaning back on it. I briefly considered getting a shower, but sleep overcame me before that thought could come to fruition.  
  
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Continued.... 


	2. Two

TITLE: Patronus [2/4]  
AUTHOR: Samantha [kali_neba@hotmail.com]  
DISTRIBUTION: Azkaban's Lair. Anyone else, please ask first.  
SPOILERS: All four books. Set the summer after GoF  
RATING/CONTENT: eventual NC-17, PG for now, eventual Sirius/Remus, language, sex (all the good things in life ;)  
SUMMARY: Sirius lies low at Lupin's and heals a little in the process. Sirius's POV  
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Sirius, Remus, and related characters belong to JK Rowling. No infringement intended.  
  
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"Get too near a dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you." -- Remus Lupin, _Prisoner of Azkaban_  
  
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Five hours later, I awoke to find Remus seated in the chair next to the bed, his feet propped up in another chair in front of him. A small book rested on his knees, and he turned the page, adjusting the glasses perched on his nose. I blinked, cocking my head as best I could while lying down, and I studied him, the fading daylight illuminating his profile. I smiled into the pillow as a piece of hair escaped from where he had it pulled back, falling into his eyes. He casually brushed it back and turned the page again in one fluid motion.  
  
"When did you get glasses?" I finally asked, my voice hoarse from sleep. He started, the book snapping closed as he turned to me. He smiled self-consciously, pulling the glasses off and placing them and the book onto the nightstand.  
  
"I only need them to read, and then, only in dim light," he replied, gesturing with one hand around the room. I glanced around, noticing that the only light came from the windows.   
  
"You could have lit a lamp, you know," I said, sitting up. I pulled my legs up, wrapping my arms around them, and resting my chin on top. "And you didn't answer my question."  
  
"I've had them for five...no, six years now." He smiled slightly, glancing down at the floor. "They say eyesight's the first thing to go."   
  
"Piffle," I snorted, dismissing his words with a wave of my hand. "Your eyesight is just as good as anyone's." I nodded with finality, earning a short laugh from Remus. I joined in the laughter, but a thought sobered me.  
  
"Is something wrong," I asked, watching him. "Don't get me wrong, Moony. I could get used to waking up next to you..." I trailed off, knowing that that wasn't entirely what I meant to say. I looked up, clearing my throat. "Why were you watching over me?" Remus was silent in response, returning his gaze to the floor. He colored slightly.  
  
"I was worried," he finally muttered. "You were having nightmares. Loud enough that I could hear you in the garden. I didn't want to leave you alone." He sighed, glancing over at me. Our eyes met, and for the second time that day, my heart was pounding in my ears simply because Remus Lupin looked at me. I swallowed, my throat suddenly feeling heavy.  
  
"I...Thank you, Remus," I whispered. Remus smiled in return, rising to his feet.  
  
"I should go and check on the house elves. Someone needs to make sure that they aren't preparing a meal to rival the Hogwarts's Christmas feast," he stated, turning and retrieving his glasses. Before he could take the book, I caught sight of the cover and grinned. I reached over and pulled it out from under his hand.  
  
"I can't believe you still have this," I muttered, staring down at the tattered cover, fingers absently tracing the faded gold letters spelling out the title. _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_.  
  
"I didn't think I did anymore. I thought that I'd...." He trailed off, but I understood his train of thought. It was understandable that he'd wanted the book gone. Too many bad memories, too many very bad memories -- a book written by me and James and Peter, the traitor and his victims.   
  
"Remus, I'm sorry," I stated softly.  
  
"I'm glad I hadn't though. I found it this afternoon when I moved one of the book piles." He was smiling at me again. "Do you remember the look on James's face when I found the book the first time?"  
  
"I thought he was going to have a heart attack right there in the store," I replied, returning the smile. "He was afraid that you would hate us for writing it."  
  
"I loved it, Padfoot," he muttered, "I'm not sure I ever said that before Voldemort....I-It meant a lot to me. It really did." And with that quiet confession my heart was pounding again, and there was a part of me that was about to get out of the bed and snog Remus senseless. That part had almost managed to convince the rest of me that snogging Remus was a very good idea when Remus cleared his throat.  
  
"We can begin working on your patronus after dinner, if you still want to," he stated, glancing over at me. I nodded slightly, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed. Remus studied me for a second. "You might want to bathe before you come downstairs, though." He smiled suddenly, and it was a smile I recognized instantly from our days at Hogwarts -- full of mischief with a hint of innocence. "You smell like a three day old corpse." He raised his eyebrows, eye glittering with laughter before turning and heading out the door.  
  
I watched him leave, my own eyes wide in shock before I collapsed into a fit of laughter. Moony was going to pay for that comment. Of course, he was right. I did smell. After all, I'd left Arabella's a week ago, and I'd barely had time for a short shower before her cats began having fits and I had to leave. Not that the truth of Moony's statement was going to make my revenge any less sweet.  
  
I headed towards the washroom, pausing briefly to grab a towel out of the linen closet before stepping into the tiled room. I dropped the towel onto the counter and divested myself of the torn clothes I'd been wearing for far too long. I turned to the iron tub that came complete with claw feet, and fiddled with the knobs before a spray of warm water shot out of the showerhead.  
  
I stood still under the spray for a moment, grunting in pain as the warmth smoothed away muscle aches that I hadn't noticed until the water hit them. Too much time spent running, on both human feet and dog paws. Too much time spent sleeping in caves. I let the water flow over me, only stepping out of the warmth long enough to grab the shampoo and squeeze out a handful. I massaged the shampoo into my hair, and tried to ignore the emotions surging through me at its scent.  
  
It's Remus's bathroom. Of course the items in said bathroom are going to smell like Remus. Logic, however, could not stand in the way of the thought of licking water off of Remus. I blamed that lovely, and not unwelcome, thought on fatigue and hunger as I fumbled with the shower controls turning the warm spray freezing. I stood in the water until all thoughts of my naked and wet best friend were banished from my mind. I turned the water off and stepped out of the shower. I shivered, slightly in the natural cool of the room, grabbing the towel and drying off.  
  
It was then that I noticed the pile of clean clothes resting on the counter. I glanced around, but the room was devoid of my other clothes. I shrugged slightly, glancing over at the mirror above the sink. The reflection merely looked at me sadly.  
  
"You need to eat more," it stated.  
  
"Ta, hadn't noticed," I replied, pulling the pair of Muggle pants out of the pile. I slid them on pulled the plain white t-shirt over my head. I stepped out of the room and into the deserted hallway, heading downstairs. I found Remus sitting on the middle landing, a rectangular package resting on his knees.  
  
"This came for you while you were showering," Remus stated, handing me the package as I sat down beside him. I raised my eyebrows in a question, but he merely shrugged. I tore open the brown wrapper, pulling out a plain box. I opened the box to find a wand. I blinked down at it, my hands shaking as I reached for, lifting it out of the box. "There's a letter as well," Remus said, softly.   
  
"Read it," I whispered, staring the thing in my hands. It couldn't be. They would have snapped it in half the second I was arrested. I turned it in my hands, searching the handle for the carving I remember placing there at the end of seventh year. I found it, four initials carved into the yew wood with a Muggle pocketknife. MWPP.  
  
"It's from Arthur Weasley. H-He says he found it in the basement of the Ministry while searching for some old files for Albus." Remus laughed bitterly. "They were apparently preparing a museum about the downfall of Voldemort. And what better to have there--"  
  
"Than the wand of his second-in-command," I finished, looking up at Remus. "They were very stupid."  
  
"This *is* the Ministry we're talking about," Remus replied with a snort. "It could be hexed or a trap." I glanced over at him, watching concern and fear dance in his eyes.  
  
"Only one way to find out," I muttered with a smile. Remus rolled his eyes as I pointed the wand at the small clock on the wall across from us.   
  
"No, actually that's not the only way to find out," Remus replied, grabbing my wrist. I grinned fiercely at him.  
  
"_Accio_." The clock flew of the wall, and I caught it in my free hand. "Still works," I stated proudly.  
  
"That's nice? And if it had blown up?" I shrugged at that, staring down at the wand in my hand, a happy grin on my face. Remus sighed, but when I looked over at him, a small smile pulled at his lips.  
  
"Master Lupin?" a voice called out from the bottom of the stairs. I glanced down at the small house elf, staring up at us. "Dinner is finished, sir." Remus nodded, pushing himself to his feet. I tucked my wand into the waistband of my pants and followed suit.  
  
"Master Lupin?" I asked, chuckling softly. Remus merely shook his head.  
  
"Don't ask. I gave up trying to get them to call me anything else after a week," he muttered with a suffering sigh. We headed into the kitchen, and the scent of the food was overwhelming as we sat down at the table.   
  
"Will you be needing anything else, sir?" the elf asked as it placed the food onto the table.  
  
"No, Blinky," Remus replied, picking up his fork, "Thank you." The elf nodded and scurried out of the kitchen.  
  
"'Blinky'?" I asked, grinning, and Remus response was another shake of his head. We ate in comfortable silence, the mere presence of Remus enough to keep me occupied. I was in enough of a state of bliss that when I heard a faint creaking from the cupboards, I didn't think anything of it. that is until the dementor slid into the room, cold descending on us.  
  
The rational part of my mind, though slowly being taken over by the part of me paralyzed with fear, argued valiantly that the creature coming towards me had come from the cupboard, and dementors don't live in cupboards. It had to be a boggart, but the cold sliding down my back was distracting me from that and I could barely bring my wand up. I managed to point my wand at the creature, and I caught Remus's eyes. He watched me with interested, his eyes nearly glowing with expectation.  
  
"Exp...expecto patronum," I whispered, the soft sound the only noise I could make. A thin line of silver shot from my wand, but it remained formless and disappeared. I swallowed staring at the dementor. "Riddikulus," I whispered, and the dementor's robe disappeared, revealing a shriveled pale thing. I laughed weakly, but it was enough. It screeched and turned to Remus. The boggart shifted into a large orb, floating above the floor. The moon, I realized.  
  
"Riddikulus," Remus muttered, and the creature was instantly transformed into a cockroach and scurried back to its cupboard. Remus rose to his feet and went to the cupboard, latching it after the boggart disappeared inside. "I'm sorry about that," Remus said, walking over to where I was standing. "Albus has hundreds of boggarts stashed all over the cottage. I think he's named them all." I smiled weakly at that, rubbing a hand against my eyes.  
  
"I froze again," I stated softly. "I shouldn't have."  
  
"No, Sirius," Remus said, reaching up and brushing my still-wet hair off of my face. "You did well. It took Harry several days to even get the spell to respond, two weeks to even get a decent patronus."  
  
"I don't have two weeks, Remus," I replied. His hands cupped my cheeks, bringing my face up, my eyes level with his.  
  
"You can do this, Sirius," he stated calmly.   
  
"I don't think so," I whispered, pulling back slightly.  
  
"Yes," he said, his voice firm. "I know you can, Sirius. You just need to relearn how." He stepped forward, his arms sliding easily around my shoulders, pulling me into his embrace. One hand smoothed my hair in a comforting gesture. "We'll do this. Understand?" I nodded into his shoulder, and we pulled apart. "Now, finish eating. We have work to do."  
  
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continued.... 


	3. Three

TITLE: Patronus [3/4]  
AUTHOR: Samantha [kali_neba@hotmail.com]  
DISTRIBUTION: Azkaban's Lair. Anyone else, please ask first.  
SPOILERS: All four books. Set the summer after GoF  
RATING/CONTENT: eventual NC-17, PG for now, eventual Sirius/Remus, language, sex (all the good things in life ;)  
SUMMARY: Sirius lies low at Lupin's and heals a little in the process. Sirius's POV  
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Sirius, Remus, and related characters belong to JK Rowling. No infringement intended.  
  
*******************  
  
"If it can, the dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself...soul-less and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life." -- Remus Lupin, _Prisoner of Azkaban_  
  
*******************  
  
The rest of dinner passed in silence, and I really wasn't tasting the food anymore, casting nervous glances at the cupboards around us, my hand on my wand. Any minute another boggart was going to come from somewhere, and I was going to fail miserably again at warding it off. I sighed, dropping my fork onto my plate with a clang, causing Remus to flinch slightly at the sudden noise.  
  
"Relax, Sirius," he said calmly, pushing his chair back from the table, "No more boggarts are going to pop out of the woodwork." I raised my eyebrows at that, my eyes flicking briefly to the cupboard behind him. "The elves merely forgot to shut and lock that one properly," Remus stated with a wave of his hand, "The other hundred or so boggarts are locked safely away. Albus made sure of that when he lived here before."  
  
"I still don't think I can do this," I replied softly. He snorted slightly, waving his hand impatiently.  
  
"You can, and you will, and I'm not leaving your side until you do," he said, rising to his feet and walking over to stand beside my chair. He studied my face with a small smile before kneeling down next to me. "I think I figured out why you're having problems."  
  
"Because I'm scared shitless every time I see a Dementor?" I asked, my voice harsher than I intended. I swallowed, looking away from Remus, not wanting to see the pity in his eyes. His hand was suddenly at my forehead, pushing my hair back out of my eyes. His fingers trailed through my hair, down to the nape of my neck. There they rested, tracing small circles on my flesh. My breath caught in my throat, and my eyes fell shut as darts of warmth spread down my neck at Remus's touch. I forced my eyes open and turned to meet his eyes.  
  
"Enlighten me, Remus," I whispered, "Tell me why I'm so fucking incompetent."  
  
"You're not incompetent," Remus stated, his voice beginning to take an edge to it that I remembered well from our days at Hogwarts, an edge that Remus voice had often carried whenever he'd tutored Peter. "You just...." He trailed off, removing his hand from my neck, causing me to make a small sound in my throat. Remus merely raised his eyebrows at that. "The patronus needs a happy memory to work."  
  
"I don't have a lot of those left," I replied.  
  
"I know."  
  
"See, Moony, it is impossible, and I'm wasting your time and my time."  
  
"Stop putting words in my mouth, Padfoot, or I will smack you." I blinked at him in slight shock at his words, but a slight grin was on his face, softening his words. "What that means is that we just have to work a little harder on finding a memory that will work."  
  
"And if that doesn't work? If what few truly happy moments I remember aren't enough?" I asked, my voice quiet and deceptively calm, considering I was on the verge of panic.  
  
"They are, but if they don't, we'll figure something out. A patronus isn't the only way of defeating a dementor," Remus replied, rising to his full height and crossing his arms over his chest.  
  
"But it's the most sure way, Remus," I stated.  
  
"Do you want to do this, Sirius?"  
  
"I'm scared, Remus," I confessed quietly. "I'm helpless around them, I've told you that. I need that patronus, but I'm failing, and I don't take failure well." I sighed, bringing one hand up to rub my forehead. "I'm going to get someone killed if I don't do something."  
  
"Padfoot," he sighed, kneeling next to me again. "You need to understand one very important fact." His hands reached up, one cupping each side of my face, holding me in place. "What happens to you, happens to me. I'm not going anywhere without you, Sirius. Whatever happens, happens to us. Got that?" I nodded as best I could, swallowing heavily, my heart pounding in my ears again as Remus's thumb caressed my cheekbone. He removed his hands and rose again, heading towards the door to the hall.  
  
"I'll be in the study when you're ready to try again," he stated, his voice tired and soft, and I felt a surge of guilt as he left the room because all I was doing was making him frustrated and tired, and after all that's happened since he was six, he doesn't deserve the shit I put him through.  
  
"Remus?" I called out, and even to my own ears, my voice was hoarse with something that I didn't want to give a name to. He stopped in the doorway, turning slightly to me. I opened my mouth, intending to apologize for being a complete idiot, but I force my mouth shut because now really wasn't the time to let Remus know that I thought I was falling in love with him, or, at least, desperately in lust with him. I swallowed that confession, glancing down at my hands.   
  
"Thank you," I finally managed. "For putting up with me. You really don't have to."  
  
"Yes, I do, Padfoot," he replied, so softly that I barely caught his words. I glanced up, my eyes finding his, and something flickered in his eyes, something that seemed very similar to what I was feeling. That couldn't possibly be, though, I knew that, and I knew that even thinking that Remus might.... I tore myself away from that line of thought.  
  
"Why?" I asked before I could stop myself, my voice low. Remus smiled slightly and turned fully towards me.   
  
"Because you're my friend," he replied without hesitation, and he held up a hand to silence me when I opened my mouth to reply. "Because..." He trailed of then, taking a few steps towards me. He stoped suddenly, running a hand through his hair, looking for all the world like he was going through his own internal crisis. "Because you're all I have left." The words came out in a rush, and I blinked in confusion until the full force of his words hit me.  
  
"Moony," I whispered, completely unsure of what exactly I was going to tell him.   
  
"Because...Because I've already lost James and Lily and, yes, even Peter, and I don't think I could survive if...." He trailed off, his eyes lingering on mine for a second before he stared down at the floor. "Well, that was a bit maudlin, wasn't it?" He glanced up at me through the fringe of his hair that was falling into his eyes, and a small smile was tugging at his lips.  
  
"Not in the slightest, Remus," I replied, returning the smile briefly before sobering. "If you're only helping me out of a sense of friendly obligation...." I trailed off as Remus rolled his eyes.  
  
"I am helping you because I want to. Now, get it into your very thick skull that I am doing this freely and, in fact, enjoy it." I watched him in silence for a second before nodding in acceptance. "Good. Now, are you ready to try again or are you going to sit here and brood for awhile? I just received a fascinating book on the magical creatures of Africa and I would love to begin it, so if you're going to choose the second option, do let me know." I merely blinked in response, taken aback by Remus's outburst. Then I caught sight of the challenge in his eyes and the half-smirk on his lips, and I realized then that I was being goaded. "Well?" He raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I'm ready," I replied, rising to my feet, returning the smirk. "That is," I began, stepping up to him, until barely an inch of air stood between us, "If you think you can handle me." He cocked his head, studying me closely. Then he grinned, rising slightly until our noses barely touched.  
  
"You'll find, Padfoot," he said, my eyes falling shut as his warm breath slid across my skin, "That I am very adept at handling all kinds of things." His grin turned back into a smirk as he pulled his wand out of his sleeve and sent a jet of red sparks into the hall. A muffled bang sounded. "Such as boggarts," he whispered, his smirk never fading as he gestured to the hall with his head. I glanced through the doorway to see a dementor sliding out of the shadows. I returned my eyes back to Remus.  
  
"You...are a right bastard," I stated, smiling slightly before turning and pointing my wand at the dementor. I tried my best to push the growing cold out of my mind as I dug through my memories, trying to uncover one that could withstanding the chill in my mind. I finally settled on the memory of Harry's glee at the thought of leaving the Dursely's to stay with me, and firmly wrapped in the warmth of that moment, I stepped forward, holding my wand steady at the dementor.  
  
"Expecto," I began, but before I could finish the spell, the dementor lifted a hand, reaching towards me, and the cold broke through the memory, bringing forth the rest of that night -- Remus's sudden transformation, Pettigrew's escape, the dementors....I whimpered softly, deep in my throat, backing away from the creature. My retreat was halted as I knocked into Remus. His body formed a warm line down my back, and his hands touched my shoulders, sending tiny jolts of warmth through the cold.  
  
"Relax," he whispered, his mouth by my ear, "I've got you, Padfoot." I felt him move behind me, clutching me tighter as the dementor floated closer. His lips touched the nape of my neck slightly, more of a caress than a kiss, the touch alone breaking me out of the dementor's chill. "Concentrate, Sirius," he whispered, and I swallowed, closing my eyes briefly as I tried to recapture the memory of Harry, but another memory sprang to the surface -- the image of Remus bursting through the door of the bedroom in the Shrieking Shack, his eyes on me, filled with unguarded emotion, with betrayal and pain and love, the memory of being pulled into a warm embrace, of being forgiven and feeling whole for the first time in thirteen years.  
  
I felt a burst of warmth in my head, a line of power that spread through my body heading down my wand arms, and as I steadied my wand, forcing my eyes open, and muttered, "Expecto patronum." The words were quiet, but the power that had lashed through my body and down my arm exploded out of the end of my wand with a force that nearly sent Remus and I tumbling to the floor. My patronus leapt forward, sliver teeth flashing, as it neared the dementor, but it dissipated quickly as the dementor, no, the boggart slid backwards. Before my patronus fully disappeared, I recognized it. I'd seen it enough times in the years I spent running next to him through the Forbidden Forest. Remus's wolf. Moony.  
  
"Riddikulus!" Remus suddenly exclaimed, his wand level with mine, and the boggart suddenly changed into a tiny mouse, which squeaked in protest as I broke out in relieved laughter. It scurried under the couch as my laughter died down, and silence descended on the cottage again. I slumped, noticing briefly that Remus's hands had returned to my shoulders.  
  
"I did it," I muttered, and I felt Remus nod behind me.  
  
"Like riding a bicycle, as the Muggles would say. Once you've learned how, you never really forget," he said, his voice soft as his lips kissed my nape once again.   
  
"Remus," I breathed, my eyes falling shut at the soft touch. He pulled back suddenly, and I nearly lost my balance at that movement.  
  
"I'm sorry," he muttered, "I shouldn't have done that." His hands slid off my shoulders, but I caught one of his wrists with my free hand.  
  
"Remus," I said again, turning slightly, studying him. He met my eyes, and that emotion that I had refused to name was still there, but I couldn't deny it now. "Love," I muttered, not really believing what I was seeing in my friend's eyes. He looked away then.  
  
"Sirius," he whispered, attempting to step back. I dropped my wand, reaching up with my now vacant hand and silencing him by placing my fingers against his lips. That hand ran lightly across his lips, across his cheek, before finally tangling in his hair.  
  
"You'll have to forgive me for this, Moony," I whispered, my voice low with the beginnings of huskiness. "But I'm not sure I can stop." He raised an eyebrow at me before his own hand pressed against the back of my head, pulling me down to his lips.  
  
That first touch was electric, sending jolts of warmth and pleasure throughout my body as Remus arched into me, and I wrapped my other arm around his waist, hand tugging the sweater up until I could feel the flesh of his back. I pressed my hand against that warmth, and Remus broke the kiss with a moan.  
  
"Moony," I breathed, kissing him lightly, "I want..."  
  
"I know, Padfoot," he replied, pulling my head down again and claiming my lips, his teeth tugging at them. He coaxed my lips apart, darting his tongue in for a brief touch, and I groaned at that, pulling him against me. We broke apart, briefly, gasping for air.  
  
"Upstairs?" I asked before the rational part of my mind could take over and stop me. Remus nodded.  
  
"Probably for the best," he muttered, pressing his face against the hollow of my throat, lips and tongue tracing a moist line against the flesh. "Wouldn't want to horribly traumatize the house elves." He shifted slightly, his teeth grazing against my jaw, causing me to jump slightly. He pulled back with a slight smile.  
  
"Right," I said, grinning in return before pulling Remus against me again. I kissed him again, my tongue sliding past his lips to touch his as we stumbled together out of the kitchen doorway towards the stairs.  
  
*****************  
Continued... 


	4. Four

TITLE: Patronus [4/4]  
AUTHOR: Samantha [kali_neba@h...]  
DISTRIBUTION: Azkaban's Lair. Anyone else, please ask first.  
SPOILERS: All four books. Set the summer after GoF  
RATING/CONTENT: PG-13, Sirius/Remus, language  
SUMMARY: Sirius lies low at Lupin's and heals a little in the   
process. Sirius's POV  
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Sirius, Remus, and related characters belong to   
JK Rowling. No infringement intended.  
  
*******************  
  
"The Patronus is a kind of positive force, a projection of the very   
things that the dementor feeds upon -- hope, happiness, the desire to   
survive -- but it cannot feel despair, as real humans can, so the   
dementors can't hurt it." -- Remus Lupin, _Prisoner of Azkaban_   
  
*******************  
  
We tumbled out of the kitchen, knocking over several piles of books   
in our struggle to remain connected, but we were both too wrapped up   
in the warmth of each other to really notice or care where the books   
landed. I tangled one hand into Remus's hair, holding his lips to my   
own as I reveled in his taste -- chocolate and tea and a thousand   
other tastes that are simply Remus. He threaded his fingers through   
the belt loops of my trousers, pulling me against him. I moaned   
softly into his mouth as our bodies met.  
  
Then Remus pulled away, and the sudden lack of warmth and taste and   
scent left me panting.  
  
"We should stop," he whispered, running a hand through his hair and   
stepping further back. I closed my eyes, falling back until I was   
leaning against the wall.  
  
"What?" I muttered, desperately wanting to be sure that I'd misheard   
him.  
  
"We s-should stop," he repeated. Remus looked up at me then, and his   
amber eyes were full of heat as he held my gaze. I made a sound low   
in my throat, halfway between a growl and a moan, and I stepped   
forward, but Remus held up a hand to stop me. "Don't, Padfoot." He   
took a deep breath. "It's taking all I have not to drag you upstairs   
and do what I desperately want to do."  
  
"And that would be a bad thing?" I whispered, watching him closely,   
taking in the way the faint light from the candles in the hallway   
turned the grey in his hair to a fine silver or the way the his shirt   
hitched up a tiny bit when he crossed his arms, baring a thin line of   
very tantalizing flesh.  
  
"Yes," he whispered, heat flaring in his eyes as he caught sight of   
me watching him, "And if you keep looking at me like that, it's going   
to be worse."  
  
"Why?" I said, never taking my eyes off of him, although I was   
fighting the urge to stare at the line of flesh across his stomach,   
fighting the urge to reach out and trace the line, to feel his warmth   
again.  
  
"Because you don't want this," he stated softly, the words coming out   
in a huff of breath. I blinked at him, trying to comprehend his train   
of thought. I failed, though, since it was plainly obvious to me,   
watching Remus standing, half-shrouded in the shadows of the hallway,   
with a thousand different emotions dancing in his eyes, that I've   
never wanted anything else in my life quite as much as I wanted him.  
  
"Remus," I muttered, but he raised an eyebrow at me and I returned to   
the silent contemplation of him that I was finding very engaging.  
  
"You don't. Not really. I-I'm just convenient. A warm body," that   
last was whispered, but resounded like a shout in my mind. My mouth   
went dry at that, and I tried to swallow that thought away. "I   
don't...I refuse to be used like that. Even from someone I...."  
  
"Someone you what, Remus?" I said, trying to keep my voice calm.   
Remus was silent for a moment, staring down at the floor in an   
obvious attempt not to meet my eyes. "What?" I asked again. His eyes   
flashed up, holding my gaze.  
  
"I love you. All right? That what you wanted to hear?" Defiance was   
flaring in his eyes, overpowering the heat that was still evident   
there, almost as he was daring me to ridicule him for how he felt. I   
opened my mouth to say something, anything that would soothe away the   
hurt rising in the back of his eyes.  
  
"When?" was all I managed to choke out. Remus blinked at me in   
confusion for a moment.  
  
"I don't know," he whispered, "I didn't realize how I felt until you   
were....gone. I-It hurt to think about you, and I thought that if I'd   
just said something, told you how I felt, realized that I was   
completely in love with you, then you wouldn't have...betrayed us   
all." Remus stared at me as he finished, but I couldn't find any   
words to say to him. He nodded faintly. "Good night, Padfoot," he   
whispered, turning and brushing past me as headed to the back of the   
house to where his study must be. As he walked past me, the part of   
my mind that had been obsessed with Remus since I'd arrived, the one   
that knew with absolutely certainty that I was falling, hard, for   
him, took over.  
  
"Do you know what I want, Remus?" I whispered, and he stopped, his   
back going ramrod straight. He glanced over his shoulder at   
me. "You," I supplied. "I want to feel you under me. I want to trace   
every muscle, every scar on you with my fingers or my mouth until I   
know them by heart." I took a deep breath and stepped towards   
him. "It's you, Remus. It's been you for as long as I can remember."   
I sighed. "If it was just a warm body that I needed, Moony, I could   
have had a thousand of them in a thousand different places. But I   
didn't. It's just you, Remus." I had to make him understand that last   
part. "Just you." Then I did the hardest thing that I've ever done in   
my life -- I turned away from him. I walked down the hallway towards   
the living room, refusing to look behind me, knowing that he hadn't   
moved since my confession, knowing that if I did look back then I   
would be back in arms before either of us could breathe.  
  
I reached the living room and dropped down onto the only open spot on   
the couch, reaching blindly for a pile of books and pulling the top   
one off the pile. I held the worn copy of _Quidditch Through The   
Ages_ in my hands, vaguely remembering reading the same book at   
Hogwarts so many times that I had it memorized. Even now, almost   
twenty years since the last time I'd read it, it would only be a   
matter of picking a page and being able to recite it word for word   
without looking. Of course, that line of thought was merely a   
distraction because the instance that I heard the door to Remus's   
study shut, I tossed the book across the room with a strangled cry. I   
closed my eyes briefly before rising to my feet and heading to the   
front door. I made sure my wand was safely tucked away in the   
waistband of my jeans before stepping out the door.  
  
I walked down the stone path, towards the gate and the shadowy   
figures in the dark forest beyond the fence. I stopped with my hand   
on the gate, silent considering the figures. Dementors, real ones.   
Not the fake, Boggart Dementors that Remus could call forth at will   
inside the house, but the ones that had been haunting my nightmares   
for years. I swallowed, glancing over my shoulders at the cottage,   
and I knew that I could turn around, go back inside, and not do this.   
I had nothing to prove, not really, but a voice in the back of my   
mind was urging me forward, telling me that I had to do this, I had   
to prove to Remus that I didn't need him, he had to know that I   
didn't want him out of need, that it was purely want and love and   
lust and friendship, but never merely need.  
  
With a sigh I pushed the gate open and stepped onto the dirt path. As   
I moved over the threshold, I felt the power of Remus's anti-dementor   
spell slide over my skin, raising the hairs slightly. I stood a short   
distance away from the gate, knowing that if I failed, if I wasn't   
strong enough to conjure a decent Patronus, that I could fall back   
across the barrier and be relatively safe. I braced my self as the   
shadowy shapes began to move, gliding forward, out of the trees, and   
the cold that slammed into me nearly forced me to my knees.  
  
I'm not ready for this, my mind screamed, as images flashed in the   
front of my mind -- memories of telling James and Lily to switch   
secret-keepers, of telling them that Remus was the traitor, of the   
brief moment of incomprehensible joy at the knowledge that I was   
wrong and it hadn't been Remus, of that joy being ripped away and   
replaced by pain and grief and rage when I'd arrived at the ruins in   
Godric's Hollow.  
  
I gritted my teeth against the chill, forcing the darkness of   
fourteen years ago out of my mind and grasping onto the one memory   
that I knew would be enough. Remus, in the Shack, seconds ago in the   
hall, telling me he loved me. I lifted my wand, wrapping that memory   
firmly around my mind, and suddenly all the bad memories were pushed   
away, still playing, but faintly, now, like an old Muggle silent film.  
  
"Expecto Patronum!" I shouted, and the resulting blast of power sent   
me reeling backwards, through the gate. I landed in a heap but I came   
up laughing, watching the slivery wolf leap toward the creatures,   
fangs flashing in the moonlight. The dementors fled, then, rushing   
back into the forest, my Patronus at their heels. "I did it," I   
whispered.  
  
"Were you trying to get yourself killed or worse?" Remus commented   
from behind me, and I turned to find him leaning against on of the   
columns supporting the porch roof. He pushed off the column and   
walked down the path towards me. "What were you trying to accomplish?"  
  
"I..." I turned back to glance at the gate, and another smile spread   
over my face. "I don't know, Remus," I replied finally. He closed his   
eyes briefly before meeting my gaze. I shrugged, looking back to   
him. "It seemed like a good idea at the time." He merely rolled his   
eyes.  
  
"You can be such an idiot sometimes, Padfoot," he replied, stepping   
up next to me. He studied me in silence for a second. "Your Patronus   
was a wolf. I-I didn't get a good look at it in the house," he   
stated. I nodded slightly.  
  
"Not just a wolf," I whispered, and Remus raised an eyebrow at   
that. "It was you, Moony." Even as I said it, I knew how utterly   
saccharine that sounded, but I pushed that thought to the back of my   
mind, knowing that it was just a sign of how far gone I was. He   
cocked his head at me, chewing slightly on his lower lip.  
  
"Sirius," he said, his voice soft, as he stepped closer, "I was out   
of line earlier. I shouldn't have accused you of anything. I   
apologize." I'm sure he was going to say something else, but I leaned   
forward and pressed my lips to his, silencing anything he could have   
been about to say.  
  
"I'm falling in love with you, Remus," I whispered, into the kiss,   
before deepening it and not allowing Remus to respond. He reached up   
and tangled his fingers in my hair, holding me tight against   
him. "Now, do you think we can make it upstairs without you having   
another crisis of faith?" I muttered with a grin as we pulled apart.   
He rolled his eyes and kissed me again as his answer.  
  
As it turns out, we did make it upstairs and into the bed without   
incident, although there was a close call when we were interrupted in   
the middle of a very good snogging session on the middle landing by   
an indignant squeak from one of the house elves. That merely sent us   
into fits of laughter though as we hurried the rest of the way up the   
stairs.  
  
We stood in the middle of the small bedroom, fumbling with his   
sweater between kisses. I finally managed to tug it over his head,   
leaving his hair is disarray and baring the smooth expanse of his   
chest. My eyes traced the contours of his stomach, flickering over   
the small red scars from last full moon before finally settling on   
the large, old scar that started at his left hip and spread across   
his abdomen. The scar that started it all, the one where the wolf had   
grabbed him one night when he was barely six. I swallowed heavily,   
and, hesitantly, I reached down, running my fingers over the rough   
skin.  
  
I glanced up at Remus and was surprised to find his eyes guarded like   
he expected me to suddenly decide that being friends and lovers with   
a werewolf was far too dangerous to me, like our time at Hogwarts and   
the years since were nothing. I made a sound deep in my throat and   
dropped to my knees. I leaned forward, pressing my mouth to the   
puckered skin, running my tongue over the edges of the scar. He   
shuddered under my mouth, moaning softly.  
  
"Padfoot," he whispered, and I rose up, our lips meeting hungrily as   
we tumbled onto the bed. We spent the rest of the night wrapped up in   
each other, discovering the perfect spots to touch and lick.   
  
The next couple of days were spent like that -- the nights in bed,   
the days practicing spells, me trying to get used to having a wand   
again, the afternoons spent lounging in the garden listening to Remus   
talk about his life, learning that vampires are terrified of   
werewolves (knowledge gained through Remus's personal experience with   
a vampire in Muggle Paris). I, of course, discovered a new goal in   
life -- to send a Boggart at Neville Longbottom just to see Snape in   
the vulture hat and housedress.  
  
Paradise, however, doesn't last long, especially with a war brewing   
in the real world and the full moon in a week. So, it came as very   
little of a shock, when the real world intruded on the cottage. We   
were sitting on the couch, the piles of books knocked to the floor to   
make room for both of us, a pot of tea sitting on the table when   
a 'pop' sounded through the cottage and Severus Snape was suddenly   
standing in the room, holding a steaming goblet. His lips curled up   
in a sneer of disgust as he regarded us with barely concealed hatred   
in his eyes. Remus raised an eyebrow at him, and I just grinned at   
him.  
  
"You could knock, you know," I offered as Snape sat the goblet down   
on the table with enough force to slosh some of it over the edges.  
  
"Your potion, Lupin," he snarled, before pulling a letter out of his   
pocket. "From the Headmaster," he stated, tossing the letter at me.   
It landed in my lap, and Snape disapparated with another sneer.  
  
"Well, it's certainly nice to see the he's still as bright and perky   
as always," I said, picking up the letter and Remus lifted the   
goblet, draining the potion with a grimace. "I can't believe you're   
still taking that."  
  
"It's best to be careful," he replied, placing the goblet back on the   
table. I raised my eyebrows, glancing down where some of the potion   
had fallen from the cup. The small drops were already corroding   
through one layer of the table's finish. "What does the letter say?"   
I finished opening it, scanning it quickly before handing it to Remus.  
  
"Dumbledore wants us back at Hogwarts after the moon," I stated, and   
Remus nodded in response.   
  
"Should I...should we let Dumbledore know that we're..." Remus   
began, "We don't have to, of course, but if you want." I smiled   
slightly.  
  
"I don't mind, and I'm going to be staying in your rooms anyway, or   
vice versa," I said, shrugging. He nodded, faintly.   
  
"I'll write him later," Remus muttered, setting his book to the side.   
He leaned over kissing me quickly. "Love you, Padfoot."  
  
"Love you, too, Moony," I stated, claiming his lips again.  
  
It was very good to be home. Very good indeed.  
  
**************  
End 


End file.
